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Thread: Help me action this sequence?

  1. #1
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    Help me action this sequence?

    Question?
    Here, Cal has won himself a date with Nika by accepting her challenge to close a major wakeboard sponsor for the event. After treating themselves to a nice, lakeside dinner, the two walk on the marina dock. Cal tries his luck at stealing a kiss. Nika stops him because, even though she likes him, she has to establish that this moment isn't just about Cal and how he always gets what he wants.
    Nika gives Cal a taste of his own medicine... a little payback for rejecting her when they were little kids. In my writer's eye, I envisioned this moment as Nika's triumphant exclamation mark into womanhood - "I AM YOUR EQUAL NOW!" and staring right into his face, shoves him backwards off the dock. The scene had some obvious symbolism in that Nika was able to push Cal backwards into the lake while looking him in the eye. And... in turn, maybe this athlete with lightning quick reflexes was unable to do anything about it. Perhaps he's transfixed by her stare?
    Either way, as often happens when things move from the written word into a progressive and created medium, they change. Our amazing artists Diego and Andrea have Nika pushing Cal from behind. What do we lose/gain by this? How about changing our symbolism to "stab in the back"? Is that as powerful? Is it more powerful? I'm not sure. What do you think? Push eye to eye? Or from behind? www.shakethelakecomic.com

  2. #2
    Jackass of All Trades [Moderator] amadarwin's Avatar
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    First off, a push from behind would make his body tilt forward, not backward. That panel where he's being pushed is killing me because of it. And 1 handed, with no leverage? No way it happens in the first place.

    As for your inquiry, I'd prefer the face to face option better. It's more intimate, and makes the push more of a surprise. It's probably overdone, but as you said, he wanted to kiss her, so her leaning in as if to allow it to happen has a bit more of a bite.
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  3. #3


    Her psychology is interesting to me. She sounds like a mess. Instead of enjoying the moment and enforcing her boundaries in the present, she's wrapped up in her own younger insecurities and trying to change the past. Instead of coming up to his level she literally tries to bring him down.

  4. #4

    SHOW don't tell

    You say there's a marina. Where? Show us.

    You say there's an attempted kiss. Where? Show us.

    You say the kiss was rejected. Where? Show us.

    You say there's a push but show us a slip. On... ice? Where'd the ice come from? Where did it go?

    There's some sort of hole that your story depends on but we don't know what or where it is. If your story hinges on it, show us the hole in Panel one. Don't just pull it out of nowhere.

    Horizontal panels for vertical action are bad juju. Rotate those panels 90

    The fumetti/sketchup look is boring and dead. Learn to ignore the photos (esp when your models can't act), use them as reference, do not trace.

  5. #5
    [SUPPORTER] Josem's Avatar
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    Avoid perfect ellipsis on the text ballons.
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  6. #6
    Neophyte ayalpinkus's Avatar
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    The characters are drawn really well. For the background you have the construction lines of the environment. I suggest you draw those with the same charm as the characters. Suggest material, texture.

    I feel that the last two panels should be vertical, the rotation (to fit it in the space?) is jarring to me.

    I feel panel five (where he's pushed) is the main panel of the page, it shows the main action moment on the page and it should be drawn more prominently, showing her pushing him. To make space for that, make at least panel three (the full-tier panel) less wide, less prominent, and perhaps panel four too, and even panels one and two, to make more space for the push panel. Six panels on a page is a lot after all, not easy to fit on a page

    Nicely drawn page!

  7. #7
    yeah definitely 90 degree the panels.. I think that will help you with panel 5... and then the last one should probably show him lying on the floor like Joseph Dredd said... Best of luck!

  8. #8
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    Sorry for the late, late update here and thank you for the critique. The finalized pages are attached. We didn't do any rotation on the frames but did re-draw the push off the dock. I've included the preceding and following pages.



    Last edited by Zblock; 07-24-2017 at 01:26 PM.

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