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Thread: Writing Contest #112 - Dystopia

  1. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zepster View Post
    Changed those last two panels... hopefully it is a bit better now
    I like that ending better he does not come off as a psycho in that ending.

  2. #42
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    Wow, 5 stories already!

    Just finished with the thumbnails on mine, going to start scripting tomorrow...

  3. #43
    @Zepster: the ending change is excellent. puts him much more as a man who did what he had to do to save his child.

  4. #44
    Hoping to get one off by the latter half of the week.

  5. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by Centaur178 View Post
    Hoping to get one off by the latter half of the week.
    Can’t wait to read it. Great stuff this round.

  6. #46
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    Finished my script last night, now just to edit...

    Then just a question - how about for the next writing contest we try to shorten the time? I'm thinking 4+ weeks is maybe just a bit too long? And then a week for voting, plus the a few days in between to get the new theme chosen by the winner?

    How about we try just for the next one to have a 3 week writing contest, stopping at the Monday of the 3rd week? And then a few days for the voting, to get a new writing challenge going every month?

    Any ideas/comments/crits would be appreciated!
    Quote Originally Posted by Chris2.0 View Post

    Just finished with the thumbnails on mine, going to start scripting tomorrow...

  7. #47
    Quicker deadlines works for me, Chris. I have a tendency to put stuff off.

    Here's mine,

    Life Events

    PG 1

    PN 1
    It’s a beautiful sunny day in a clean, idyllic park. Smiling families picnic and fly kites.

    MODERATOR CAPTION
    “Who’s next?”

    PN 2
    JOHN CONDIT (white male, 37) walks through the park. He’s dressed in a light colored suit but clashes with the happy families. He is burdened by several large paintings under his arm.

    PARKER CAPTION
    “John Condit. Office Manager. Single. No kids.”

    PN 3
    Angle on one of the paintings under John’s arm, a painting of a similar idyllic park scene.

    PARKER CAPTION
    “Looks like another hobbyist.”

    PN 4
    John has his back to us and is crossing the street towards a neo-classical governmental building. The streets are clean and reminiscent Rockwell’s America. The cars in the street are futuristic and sensible.

    MODERATOR CAPTION
    “Another? Don’t these people value their lives?”



    PG 2

    PN 1
    John Condit stands in a dark room flanked on either side by his paintings of idyllic daily life. A holoscreen projected above him displays his various social network feeds. A collage of photos, John looking awkward at a party, John sleeping at his office cubicle, John in a painting class. Each photo has reaction icons at the bottom and corresponding number of responses.

    JOHN
    I took up painting this year, I think these show my progress.

    PN 2
    We’ve swapped angles to John’s POV. Five Council Members sit behind podiums in the darkened room. Chief among them is the MODERATOR, a handsome man in his mid 40’s, confident in his power. The rest are mixed races and ages, but one is a black female council member named PARKER in her mid 50’s.

    MODERATOR
    We’ve reviewed your feed, Mr. Condit. No engagements, no promotions, really no meaningful life events at all this year?

    PN 3
    On John, nervously gesturing to his painting of a boy and his father on a sailboat, both wearing fake, almost disturbingly blank smiles.

    JOHN
    But, I have new hobbies. And I took another writing class.

    PN 4
    On Parker, swiping a floating multi-touch interface holoscreen with disinterest.

    PARKER
    Your third year in that class and you still haven’t been published?

    PN 5
    On John imploring us, his hands outstretched in frustration. John’s blowing it and he knows it.

    JOHN
    My father died in March, don’t I get a bereavement period?

    PN 6
    On the Moderator, looking almost bored, leans his cheek against his fist.

    MODERATOR
    We had to terminate that policy. Too many people were murdering their loved ones to remain in the collective.




    PG 3

    PN 1
    On the holoscreen above John; the photo collage has changed photos, now we see John practicing the flute, in an archery class, whittling wood.

    MODERATOR CAPTION
    “You’re a hobbyist, Mr. Condit. Every year you pad your feed with silly diversions.”

    PN 2
    On the Moderator, looking serious.

    MODERATOR
    You know we have limited resources in the collective. Anyone who doesn’t post significant life events each year has no place here.

    PN 3
    John rushes forward as two large bailiffs race to restrain him.

    JOHN
    Don’t send me into the Wasteland! Please--
    (linked – burst)
    I beg you!

    PN 4
    The bailiffs have John by either arm and are dragging him away from the council members, who are all on their feet in alarm.

    JOHN
    I have friends who get married just to divorce the next year. All to post a life event! You must see it.
    (linked)
    They’re hamsters on a wheel!

    PN 5
    We’re stationed over the council member’s shoulders, now seated, as the bailiffs drag John out the door.

    MODERATOR
    At least they’re moving, Mr. Condit.
    (linked)
    The council finds you are not living your life to its potential and must be purged.




    PG 4

    PN 1
    The Moderator and Parker stand in front of a large wall in a wooded area. They’re dressed casually both in sunglasses. Two armed guards stand beside them, also in sunglasses.

    MODERATOR
    It’s still shocks me that some people would rather die than live a meaningful life.

    PN 2
    John walks toward us, his head bowed. He has changed into dark clothing and wears a backpack. He’s flanked on either side by armed guards wearing sunglasses.

    PARKER (off panel)
    I only wish we had learned the secret to utopia before destroying half our world, sir.

    PN 3
    The Moderator and Parker have parted for John to pass. The wall behind them is in the process of opening to allow John out. Through the crack in the wall we see only light. John covers his eyes, having never seen sunlight this bright.

    NO COPY

    PN 4
    The Moderator hands John a black book. John, still dazed by the light, looks surprised by the gift.

    MODERATOR
    Die well, John Condit.

    PN 5
    Parker leans in close to whisper to the Moderator.

    PARKER
    What’d you give him?

    MODERATOR
    A journal. He liked to write.

    PN 6
    On John walking towards us through a scorched desert wasteland, devoid of life albeit a few skeletons. In the distance behind him the massive wall of the collective and buildings therein. We should be able to make out the refraction on the dome that covers the collective, protecting the inhabitants from the strong sun.

    MODERATOR CAPTION
    “Maybe in death he’ll find the meaning his life lacked.”




    PG 5

    PN 1
    John treks through the desert, his sleeves torn off and used as head wraps. He still wears the backpack but it looks less full.

    JOHN CAPTION (in handwriting on lined paper, from his journal)
    Day 9. Water ration gone. Endless desolation. Did the Moderator think it would be ironic if I used this pencil to kill myself?

    PN 2
    John kneels beside a stream, whittling a stick. He’s shirtless, his face is scruffy and he looks trimmer.

    JOHN CAPTION
    Day 21. All my hobbies seem to be coming in handy.

    PN 3
    John fires a bow and arrow at a fleeing deer. His pants are cut short, his chest broad, his beard thick.

    JOHN CAPTION
    Day 45. Radiation levels must be low. Flora and fauna seem healthy.

    PN 4
    On John, lounging beside a tree at dusk. He’s dressed in animal fur. A small campfire burns beside him. He writes in his journal with the nub of a pencil.

    JOHN CAPTION
    I’ve lost track of the days. The Moderator must know the truth of the wasteland. Far from a waste, for me it provides what I've always wanted…

    PN 5
    Tighter on John, the journal resting on his lap, his hands by his side. His head back as he drifts off to sleep, a genuine smile curving his lips.

    JOHN CAPTION
    …An uneventful life.
    Last edited by Shaun; 04-04-2017 at 01:30 PM. Reason: changed names and some dialogue

  8. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shaun View Post
    Quicker deadlines works for me, Chris. I have a tendency to put stuff off.

    Here's mine,

    Life Events

    PG 1

    PN 1
    It’s a beautiful sunny day in a clean, idyllic park. Smiling families picnic and fly kites.

    OVERSEER CAPTION
    “Who’s next?”

    PN 2
    JOHN CONDIT (white male, 37) walks through the park. He’s dressed in a light colored suit but clashes with the happy families. He is burdened by several large paintings under his arm.

    FEMALE COUNCIL MEMBER CAPTION
    “John Condit. Office Manager. Single. No kids.”

    PN 3
    Angle on one of the paintings under John’s arm, a painting of a similar idyllic park scene.

    FEMALE COUNCIL MEMBER CAPTION
    “Looks like another hobbyist.”

    PN 4
    John has his back to us and is crossing the street towards a neo-classical governmental building. The streets are clean and reminiscent Rockwell’s America. The cars in the street are futuristic and sensible.

    OVERSEER CAPTION
    “Another? Don’t these people value their lives?”



    PG 2

    PN 1
    John Condit stands in a dark room flanked on either side by his paintings of idyllic daily life. A holoscreen projected above him displays his various social network feeds. A collage of photos, John looking awkward at a party, John sleeping at his office cubicle, John in a painting class.

    JOHN
    I took up painting this year, I think these show my progress.

    PN 2
    We’ve swapped angles to John’s POV. Five Council Members sit behind podiums in the darkened room. Chief among them is the OVERSEER, a handsome man in his mid 40’s, confident in his power. The rest are mixed races and ages, but one is a black FEMALE COUNCIL MEMBER in her mid 50’s.

    OVERSEER
    We’ve reviewed your feed, Mr. Condit. No engagements, no promotions, really no meaningful life events at all this year?

    PN 3
    On John, nervously gesturing to his painting of a boy and his father on a sailboat, both wearing fake, almost disturbingly blank smiles.

    JOHN
    But, I have new hobbies. And I took another writing class.

    PN 4
    On the female Council member, swiping a floating multi-touch interface holoscreen with disinterest.

    FEMALE COUNCIL MEMBER
    Your third year in that class and you still haven’t been published?

    PN 5
    On John imploring us, his hands outstretched in frustration. John’s blowing it and he knows it.

    JOHN
    My father died in March, don’t I get a bereavement period?

    PN 6
    On the Overseer, looking almost bored, leans his cheek against his fist.

    OVERSEER
    We had to terminate that policy. Too many people were murdering their loved ones to remain in the collective.




    PG 3

    PN 1
    On the holoscreen above John; the photo collage has changed photos, now we see John practicing the flute, in an archery class, whittling wood.

    OVERSEER CAPTION
    “You’re a hobbyist, Mr. Condit. Every year you pad your life with silly diversions.”

    PN 2
    On the Overseer, looking serious.

    OVERSEER
    You know we have limited resources in the collective. Anyone who doesn’t show significant life events has no place here.

    PN 3
    John rushes forward as two large bailiffs race to restrain him.

    JOHN
    Don’t send me into the Wasteland! Please--
    (linked – burst)
    I beg you!

    PN 4
    The bailiffs have John by either arm and are dragging him away from the council members, who are all on their feet in alarm.

    JOHN
    I have friends who get married just to divorce the next year. All to post a life event! You must see it.
    (linked)
    They’re hamsters on a wheel!

    PN 5
    We’re stationed over the council member’s shoulders, now seated, as the bailiffs drag John out the door.

    OVERSEER
    At least they’re moving, Mr. Condit.
    (linked)
    The council finds you are not living your life to its potential and must be purged.




    PG 4

    PN 1
    The Overseer and the female council member stand in front of a large wall in a wooded area. They’re dressed casually. Two armed guards stand beside them.

    OVERSEER
    It’s still shocks me that some people would rather die than live a meaningful life.

    PN 2
    John walks toward us, his head bowed. He has changed into dark clothing and wears a backpack. He’s flanked on either side by armed guards.

    OVERSEER (off panel)
    I only wish we had learned the secret to utopia before destroying half our world.

    PN 3
    The overseer and female council member have parted for John to pass. The wall behind them is in the process of opening to allow John out. Through the crack in the wall we see only light.

    NO COPY

    PN 4
    The overseer hands John a black book. John looks surprised by the gift.

    OVERSEER
    Die well, John Condit.

    PN 5
    The female council member leans in close to whisper to the overseer.

    FEMALE COUNCIL MEMBER
    What’d you give him?

    OVERSEER
    A journal. He liked to write.

    PN 6
    On John walking towards us through a scorched desert wasteland, devoid of life albeit a few skeletons. In the distance behind him the massive wall of the collective and buildings therein.

    OVERSEER CAPTION
    “Maybe in death he’ll find the meaning his life lacked.”




    PG 5

    PN 1
    John treks through the desert, his sleeves torn off and used as head wraps. He still wears the backpack but it looks less full.

    JOHN CAPTION (in handwriting on lined paper, from his journal)
    Day 9. Water ration gone. Endless desolation. Did the overseer give me this pencil to kill myself?

    PN 2
    John kneels beside a stream, whittling a stick. He’s shirtless, his face is scruffy and he looks trimmer.

    JOHN CAPTION
    Day 21. All my hobbies seem to be coming in handy.

    PN 3
    John fires a bow and arrow at a fleeing deer. His pants are cut short, his beard is thick.

    JOHN CAPTION
    Day 45. Radiation levels must be low. Flora and fauna seem healthy.

    PN 4
    On John, lounging beside a tree at dusk. He’s dressed in animal fur. A small campfire burns beside him. He writes in his journal with the nub of a pencil.

    JOHN CAPTION
    I’ve lost track of the days. The Overseer must know the truth of the wasteland. For me it provides what I always wanted…

    PN 5
    Tighter on John, the journal resting on his lap, his hands by his side. His head back as he drifts off to sleep, a genuine smile curving his lips.

    JOHN CAPTION
    …An uneventful life.
    I love it. I would read an entire book about this. Heck i would love to write a book based on this idea. Great job.

  9. #49
    Thanks, James. Glad you liked it.

  10. #50
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    West Coast Canada
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    @Shaun- very nice. I appreciate social (media) commentary and subtle exposition. It was nice to read a Dystopian story with a positive ending.

    One crit- Page 5, panel 1. "Did the overseer give me this pencil to kill myself?"
    I assume, if John is wittling, he has a knife, so this confused me.
    What I did like was the question as to wether the Overseer was really a villian, re: does he secretly know that the Wasteland really isn't so bad... 'grey area' is good.

    Overall this one is my favorite so far!

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