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Thread: Writing Contest #112 - Dystopia

  1. #81
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    South Africa
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    Quote Originally Posted by FreshNightmare View Post
    Hey FN - cool scripting style - really clear, but still concise!

    Page 1
    Panel 1
    How big are the backpacks they have? Normal daypacks or bigger? As Barb's going to be throwing it a good distance later, so it should be possible to lift/throw it?
    And mention that the shoreline is kind of rocky, to set up the father's fall later?

    Panel 2
    Good multi-use of this panel to show a possible reason why the apocalypse happened?

    Panel 4
    Did you mean to break up Barb's speech into two balloons? As the double dashes is usually used to indicate when someone's speech is cut off?

    Page 2
    Panel 1
    From later panels the daughter seems to be under 10 years old, perhaps describe them both in more detail here? Just what dirty, ragged clothes are they wearing?

    Panel 4
    Interesting panel description, had to look up dutch tilt - shows you my lack of film terminology! Just not sure you need to have the low angle shot AND canted? To show her shock? And/or desire?

    Panel 5
    Think you meant Ro and Barbs "panel right"?

    Page 3
    Panel 3
    Reads like a moving panel, but can perhaps be done if you have Barbs still outstretched towards the man, when the bag hits him? Then the panel being unstable - do you mean the angle, or maybe jagged panel borders? Or something else?

    Page 4
    Panel 1
    I've seen people using "sob" in a word balloon, but then it has (from what I've read) something called crow's feet (?) around the word - (Never seen this particular site before - thanks Google! Especially for me that struggles to find good sound effects! Holy onomatopoeia, Batman!

    Panels 3-4
    I can sort of see what you're trying to go for here - but jump cuts (had to look that up!) doesn't seem to work as well in comics as in film? Or did you go for dead fish = Barb's died? And all of this for a lousy can of peaches?

    Page 5
    Panel 3
    Not sure if a wordless repeated panel will slow pacing enough with limited space?

    Overall a very strong entry - good work! I'm just hoping Roman didn't have to go for his first kill on his sis - as a stomach wound can take a long time to kill you, if the shock doesn't... I take it he did not kill Reilly's dad, but a head wound should be survivable, even after the apocalypse? (At least there's Bambi's mom at the end they can snack on... )

    Parts of this story had me recalling "The Road" movie, but in a good way - good job..!

  2. #82
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    Apr 2012
    South Africa
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shaun View Post

    Here's mine,

    Life Events
    Page 1
    Panel 4
    I like the foreshadowing you've built into the caption/dialogue!

    Page 2
    Panel 1
    Think you might need to give a bit more info to the artist on what icons and the number of responses you'd like to see beneath the photos? Or maybe leave the numbers to the letterer to do?
    Panel 6
    Damn, just about the best line in your story. Nevermind - I can just about say the best line in any of the scripts I've read!

    And that's it - the rest of your script's all good IMO!

  3. #83
    Good catch on the responses & icons on 2.1. I should've clarified that each should only have a few responses to show his lack of popularity or "success".

    Thanks for reading.

  4. #84
    Going through everyone's stories and offering crits. Feel free to disregard, these are just my opinions and I'll probably make one or two comments that cross-from critiquing to script-doctoring. It's okay to tell me I'm full of crap.

    Quote Originally Posted by Zepster View Post

    Shuttle(radio): And there she goes folks. Earth’s first colony ship begins her 125 year journey to the Trappist 1 system. We’ve asked Professor Black Eagle of MIT to explain more about the stasis system that will keep the colonists asleep on the journey.

    Panel 2

    We’re in a studio, where “expert” Professor Black Eagle is giving his views on the journey. The Professor is an elderly native American with neatly tied back long grey hair and wearing a suit.

    Black Eagle: Well for a start Bob the colonists are not asleep in the traditional sense. The stasis pods keep them frozen in time. It’s a much more efficient system allowing the colonists to be woken or frozen at a moment’s notice without any ill effects.
    This exposition seems somewhat simple and hamfisted to me, which isn't a good thing ever but it's also out of place for the rest of your well-crafted, understaed story.

    I would suggest you ditch the radio announcement and have a silent, majestic panel of the ship. Then in the next panel have something like this:

    Bob: The remaining crew have just locked themselves down and the ship is now on autopilot. Were there any troubles engaging your time stasis system on so many colonists?

    Black Eagle: Well, two days down, 125 years to go. That's basically why I had to come up with a new system -- cryogenically freezing someone for just 10 years causes damage. The stasis pods keep them frozen in time, theoretically without EVER causing cellular damage. It's a much more efficient system, allowing the colonists to be woken up or frozen at a moment's notice without any ill effects.

    Panel 3

    We’re zoomed in on the exterior of the Mayflower, where we can see a small exterior unit labelled Power Conduit 3. It appears to have taken some damage and sparks can be seen coming from the unit.

    Black Eagle(oos): It’s a long journey so let’s hope nothing goes wrong.
    I think you'd need to have 3 panels in a row zooming in from the exterior to the interior of the ship, with their dialogue layered over top for Black Eagle's ominous comment to be really powerful. As I picture it, cutting from the studio to a close-up of a conduit inside a ship we've never seen inside of before is going to be a little disorienting. Without the dialogue I would never know that sparking conduit was in the ship.

    Page 2

    Panel 1

    The Mayflower in deep space. An explosion is occurring where we imagine the power conduit from the previous page to be. It’s pretty significant but not fatal for the ship overall.

    Caption: 61 years later

    Panel 2

    We’re seeing Abner Cartwright. Early 30s, bushy/messy hair, slightly overweight and wearing maintenance overalls. Leaning over some equipment finishing a job. He looks fraught/tense. Behind him, although probably not in full view is Captain Dremmel. The Captain is early 40s, wears a uniform and has quite an impressive beard/moustache.

    Abner: Well that’s it. We’ve 235 pods operational and no more.

    Panel 3

    Dremmel is speaking with his lieutenant, Bronson ( early 30s, very fit looking black man ) – ignoring Abner. Abner watching anxiously.

    Bronson: We’ve 502 surviving passengers and crew sir.

    Dremmel: We’ll have to convert one of the storage pods to living space and draw up a rotation for people to go in and out of stasis.
    Throughout the story, I don't actually know what the crisis was or what, specifically, people need to be awake for. Are they awake because they need to be monitoring for other problems? Or because here are more people than working time pods?

    Panel 4

    Abner watching as the two officers walk down the corridor away from him.

    Abner(small): Well thanks Abner. Great job on saving as many pods as you could.

    Dremmel: We’ll need to balance the rotation to include essential services.

    Bronson: Sir this will be a long haul. The ship was never designed for this. We’ll need rationing of resources, laws, a government.

    Panel 5

    Abner in close watching as the two disappear.

    Dremmel: Government? This is a Star ship and I’m the Captain. That’s all the government we need.

    Page 3

    Panel 1

    Bronson sitting behind a desk, looking very formal and flanked by two guards.

    Bronson: Guilty of the charge of exceeding your water rations. The fine is two years of your stasis rotation.

    Note: Bronson is the same age as we saw previously.

    Panel 2

    We can see now we’re in an office/courtroom, it is quite small and Spartan.

    Abner before the desk, pleading. Bronson unmoved.

    Abner: My wife was sick. She needed the water.

    Bronson: Dismissed. Next case.

    Note: Abner is about 10 years older.

    Panel 3

    A shady looking man, call him Nelson, is approaching Abner as he leaves the “courtroom”. ( put Nelson on his overall, its a medical overall )

    Nelson: Abner my friend. I believe I can help you out with some meds for the wife.

    Abner: Really?

    Panel 4

    Nelson whispering to Abner as the two walk down a corridor.

    Nelson: It’ll cost though. Transfer three years’ stasis rotation to my account and they’re yours.

    Abner(burst): Three!!!

    Panel 5

    Nelson shushing Abner and looking stern. Abner is angry/distressed.

    Nelson: Keep your voice down! And what’s three years against a lifetime without her?

    Page 4

    Panel 1

    Note: I was originally going to put this in a small state room but as its essentially talking heads, let’s put in on an observation deck with lots of stunning views of space. We can see other colonists – All of whom are noticeably older than any command staff we can see and pretty dejected. Abner and Enid have a bit of space to themselves tho.
    EDIT: after much thinking, I came back to add my thoughts on this scene. At first I thought it was a great idea to keep things visually interesting, but now I think it's a mistake. The idea of a ruling class and a power struggle runs throughout the story and I feel like putting Abner and Enid in glamourous settings, rich in splendour, would paint them in the wrong light. It would suggest that they may be rivals to the ruling class, instead of underdogs fighting oppression. I would put them in cramped, barren living quarters to underscore their powerless position.

    Abner, despondent ignoring the view. His wife, Enid, later 30s black woman, is comforting him.

    Abner: Between the Command crew and vultures like Nelson we’ll never make it.

    Panel 2

    They’re still talking. Abner looks really frustrated.

    Abner: Nelson has things to trade and the command crew are stealing everyone’s rotation for themselves with their laws. I have nothing.

    Enid: Abner I know you’ll solve this. You have to. I found out why I was sick.

    Panel 3

    Enid dropping the bomb(whispering), Abner shocked/delighted

    Enid(quiet): I’m pregnant.

    Abner(burst): Wow!

    Panel 4

    Abner looking around nervously, even more distressed.

    Abner(whisper): Oh no. When the Command crew find out they’ll take all of our rotation.

    Enid(whisper): Abner you must be able to do something. Nelson works in medical that’s how he does it.

    Panel 5

    Abner in close, having an idea.

    Abner: Nelson works in medical. I’m only a Stasis tech.

    Abner(burst): I’m a Stasis tech!

    Page 5

    Panel 1
    A much battered and bruised looking Mayflower pulling into orbit around an Earth like world.

    Abner(oos from ship): Well we’re here.

    Panel 2

    Abner not looking much older than when we last saw him. Enid the same age.

    Abner, his wife and their new baby watching out of a view window. There are a few others with them but noticeably no command crew. Another colonist is talking to Abner.

    Abner: Never thought I’d see the day.

    Colonist: None of us did. If it hadn’t been for that second accident with the stasis pods killing most of the command crew none of us would have.

    Panel 3

    Abner giving the colonist a startled look.

    Abner: Yeah. Lucky I was able to fix them afterwards though.

    Panel 4

    Abner hugging his family as they look at their new world.

    Abner: We made it.
    I really like this story. My only nitpicks are that some of the dialogue sounds less like characters talking to each other and more like the writer explaining to the reader.

    Also, the twisted, dark person inside of me wanted some sort of Twilight Zone / Future Shock ending, like:

    Abner: Incredible. A world to build for ourselves. Our daughter will never know the wars and violence of Earth.

    Colonist: Did you hear? Nelson is saying the people who helped out during the crisis deserve more tools than the people who slept through it all. You and Enid don't need to worry, but I'm going to lose my equipment! No one asked me to come out of stasis! I would have been happy to help! But to punish me for it now is ridiculous!

    Enid (to Abner): ... he's going to use a stasis pod eventually. Just bide your time and we can give our little girl everything we never had.

    But that's just me... and maybe it's predictable. lol a happy ending is the new subversive. I thought it was a great story and look forward to reading the others.
    Last edited by Joseph Dredd; 04-12-2017 at 06:27 PM.

  5. #85
    Quote Originally Posted by MisterPants View Post
    This one is right in my wheelhouse! Here goes...


    PAGE 1

    Panel 1. Wide view of Paris. The city is in ruins. Rubble and smoldering ashes everywhere. In the background we can see the Eifel tower crumbling. In the foreground we see CONNER and MARKUS, two men in their 30s, thin, wearing tattered rags, running. Conner has a satchel draped over his shoulder that hangs at his hip. He is looking back at Markus who is struggling to keep up. Markus is noticably thinner than Conner and struggles to keep up. They are being followed by a SENTINAL in a bulky power suit covered head to toe in armor and tech while brandishing a plasma rifle. The Sentinal has just emerged from the crumbling Arc De Triumph.

    Conner: Hurry! We're almost there!
    Markus: I... I can't make it... Conner... tell my son--

    Panel 2. Small insert of the Sentinal's plasma rifle firing.

    Panel 3. Small insert of the projectiles ripping though Marcus' chest from the back.

    PAGE 2

    Panel 1. Conner looks down at Markus' bloody lifeless body in shock.

    Conner: Marcus? Oh God...

    Panel 2. The Sentinal marches toward Conner, pointing the rifle at him.

    SFX by the feet: CRUNK CRUNK

    Panel 3. Conner pulls a grenade out of his satchel. Lights glow indicating it is armed.

    Conner: I will tell him, old friend.

    Panel 4. Big explosion as Conner dives behind a pile of rubble.


    Panel 5. Conner in a seated position on the ground looks over at the entrance to an old subway tunnel.

    PAGE 3

    Panel 1. Conner walking down the stairs to the subway platform. A small group of men in tattered rags are huddled in the shadows. BARKER, a well built man in his 40s wearing an old torn soldier's uniform angrily greets Conner.

    Barker: You goddamn fool. You led them right to us.
    Conner: The men won't survive another day. I had no choice.

    Panel 2. YORIK, a 12-year-old boy, dirty and raggy clothing, steps forward witha troubled look on his face.

    Yorik: My dad? Where is he?

    Panel 3. Conner hands a loaf of bread to Yorik with a somber expression.

    Conner: I'm sorry, son. He loved you.

    Panel 4. Yorik holds the bread looking sad. Barker stands next to him, erupting in anger at Conner.

    Barker: Love!? How dare you tell the boy of such things!

    Panel 5. Barker pointing a stern finger at Yorik with intensity in his face.

    Barker: We were stronger than those things up there. But it was our hearts and foolish compassion that proved to be our downfall.
    Barker: Bury your love, boy. It is a weakness our enemy excels at exploiting.

    PAGE 4

    Panel 1. Close in on Conner as he is filled with sorrow.

    Conner: We cannot change what we are. If we did, we would be no different than the ones who are hunting us to extinction.

    Panel 2. Conner speaking to Barker.

    Conner: Take the men to Normandy. I will... buy you time.
    Conner: Take care of the boy.
    Barker: Yes, sir.

    Panel 3. Conner emerging from the stairway and curiously looking around.

    Panel 4. Low angle of Conner walking toward the Sentinal lying on the ground, face up. The armor suit is clearly damaged and still smoking from the grenade impact.

    Sentinal: Help... please... I was only following orders...

    Panel 5. Angle from the top, Conner looking down at the Sentinal. The helmet is removed and we see a beautiful woman's face with long dark hair looking up in desperation.

    Sentinal: I... I can't feel my legs... help me... I don't want to die...

    Panel 6. Close in on Conner's face looking very sympathetic.

    Conner: It's okay. I won't hurt you. I--

    PAGE 5

    Panel 1. Conner's head jerked back as a bullet has pierced striaght through his skull.

    Conner: GAK!

    Panel 2. The Sentinal sits up. Her facial expression has shifted to a cold distain. Another FEMALE SOLDIER, 20s long blond hair in a ponytail, clean uniform equipped with high tech gear, stands over Conner's dead body with an equally cold expression on her face.

    Female Soldier: Filthy mutant.
    Sential: There's more. I detected at least seven Ys before this abomination threw a blast charge at me and damaged my sensors.
    Female Soldier: Understood. I will send a team to sweep the area for survivors.

    Panel 3. Close in on the Sentinal's face.

    Sentinal: There will be no survivors. If you find any, slaughter them. Those creatures deserve no less.
    The End.
    The pitch for this would be... something happened to every woman in the world that made them incapable of feeling love, compassion, empathy, etc. They live a cold unforgiving existence of hatred and view men as some kind of mutation that needs to be exterminated. The women were brutal and efficient while the men sought to preserve peace. Eventually the women's ruthlessness allowed them to take over and now the last pockets of men struggle to survive while the women have built a new society based on cold science and devoid of emotion.

    It's a little bit of a role reversal where the men are trying to keep love and compassion alive and the women are all death and business. Anyway, seeing as how I just dreamed this up this morning, it's still a little raw. So who wants in?
    The script itself is excellent. Easy to read and follow.

    The story is solid, but it reminds me of some videos people keep sending me about how women and feminists secretly want to destroy the world. For that reason I had mixed feelings reading it, even though it was an excellent script.

    I really want the last line to be: "There will be no survivors. If you find any, slaughter them. They've spilled their seed everywhere they please for the last time."

    If the story was about something funny, like compulsive masturbation, I could enjoy it without wondering what the politics behind it are. But this might just be me. But also I think women wiping out men for compulsive masturbation is fantastic. But that also might just be me.
    Last edited by Joseph Dredd; 04-12-2017 at 04:51 PM.

  6. #86
    I really like this story. It reminds me of Stephen King and I don't know why. I want to see more of this world.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jaycy View Post
    Panel 4 Barrett stops at the edge of the town in front of
    the forest. The three goons are standing there
    menacingly with their sticks and rocks.

    GOON 1
    I wonder how it would look if they found the
    Sherrif's kids dead body at the edge of town.

    GOON 2
    We run this town, Barrett. Not you or your dad.
    I'm assuming that Barrett's father frequently hassles them because he's the sheriff and they're criminals, so they're punishing Barrett for his father's actions.

    I think it would be more clear if the goon simply said: "From now on, Barrett, every time your asshole dad arrests me that's one broken bone for you."

    The reason I say this is because the dialogue "we run this town, not you" combined with the Lady saying Barrett is the chosen one makes me think he's more of a player in their society and less the hapless son of the local sheriff.

    I don't know. I like it, but I don't understand what's going on. I don't know why Barrett was chosen, but it sounds significant. I think the dialogue could make things clearer, because right now, as the reader, I'm not really sure what makes Barrett special.
    Last edited by Joseph Dredd; 04-12-2017 at 04:53 PM.

  7. #87
    Quote Originally Posted by MisterPants View Post
    This isn't in the 5 pages I put up, but my thinking was that at some point a disease or something not so cliché affected every woman in the world and gave them a sort of mental block/insanity for lack of a better word. They believe the human race is and always has been entirely female (reproduce in a lab combining 2 female's DNA which will always produce a daughter) and all the men with their "mutated" Y chromosome are a threat to their humanity and need to be killed off. It's a play on perception, but no one is really a mutant in the normal sense. It's just the label women use to explain this thing that they don't know or can't know because of the mental block. There's a few moving pieces to work out of course. It's all kinda fresh in my head. Going forward, I would really try and play up a love story with this "confused" world as the backdrop.
    Biologically, we all start out life as women. It's when the embryo gets a dose of... testosterone?... that they mutate an X chromosome into a Y chromosome. I assumed that's what you're referring to and it worked fine for me.

  8. #88
    Quote Originally Posted by jamesdcreviston View Post
    Back for a new round. I hope you all enjoy. Looks like everyone is bringing their A game! You guys rock.



    Panel 1.

    SINGLE ROW WIDE - A Lone Man stands on a cliff over looking a western looking town. He is wearing a cowboy hat and duster coat. The area looks like Utah or Nevada with red rock mountains and canyons in the background. Smoke is rising from the chimneys of some of the buildings.

    Panel 2.

    WIDE - The area is in fact a giant carter and the lone man is on the edge of the crater looking down.



    Panel 1.

    WIDE - The Lone Man is riding into the town on a motorcycle with off road tires and and horns on the handle bars.His jacket is flapping in the wind. A futuristic rifle is slung across his back. The street is a mix of old time western and junkyard style architecture.

    Wooden sign entering town:

    Panel 2.

    LOW ANGLE - The LONE MAN enters an old style saloon through swinging doors. The sun from behind him shadows him.

    Panel 3.

    WIDE - The saloon is full of people gambling, drinking, and carrying on. The people are various colors shapes and sizes however all of them look deformed in one way or another. Some even have ration burned faces and enlarged heads.

    Panel 4.

    The LONE MAN sits at the bar. The Bartender is also mutated and burned. He is heavy set and looks more like a pig than an man. A mirrored wall with bottles are behind the bartender.


    Panel 5.


    We see the Marshals face dark from the hat shading. His badge is a five point star and reads LAW.



    Panel 1.

    Three men are sitting a a table. They are deformed and dressed in dark clothing.

    Panel 2.

    EXTREME CLOSE UP - Hand of one of the men at the table with a PISTOL.

    Panel 3.

    WIDE - Marshal Law sitting at the bar with his back to the group. His trench coat is dark and dirty. The Bartender is cleaning a glass with a rag.

    SFX: BANG!

    Panel 4.

    CLOSE UP - The head of the one holding the gun explodes.

    Panel 5.

    WIDE - Marshal Law holding a smoking pistol in his right hand shot around his left side all while still sitting at the bar.

    Panel 6.

    TWO SHOT - The other two mean from the table are standing. Blood is spattered across them and they have drawn pistols as well.


    Panel 1.

    WIDE - Marshal Law is standing across from the two men, his pistol is hanging in his right hand. The two men have guns drawn on him.


    Marshal Law 2(connected): I RATHER TAKE YOU IN THAN KILL YA.

    Panel 2.

    Luke and Duke look at each other. Both have looks of anger and revenge on their faces.


    Duke: CAN'T LET THAT GO.

    Panel 3.

    Small Black panel


    Panel 4.

    Marshal Law is standing over all three of the bodies. One is missing a head, the other tow have smoke rising from their chests.

    Marshal Law: DAMN, SHAME.


    Panel 1.

    WIDE - Marshal Law is talking to a holo-screen from his wrist watch. The holo-screen displays a droid.


    Marshal Law 2 (connected): THE VIPER TRIPLETS HAVE BEEN HANDLED.


    Panel 2.

    WIDE - The other people in the Saloon go back to what they were doing. They are gambling, drinking, and one is passed out on a table.

    Panel 3.

    CLOSE UP - Bartender's face.


    Panel 4.

    Marshal Law is walking out the saloon doors. He is again shadowed due to the light from the sun.


    Marshal Law 2 (not connected): YOU'LL BE REIMBURSED FOR THE DAMAGE.

    Panel 5.

    Marshall Law is riding out of town.

    Wooden sign entering town:
    It's a solidly written story, very easy to follow as a reader, but it feels like nothing really happens. He comes in, orders a water, gives two fugitives a chance to surrender, kills them and then leaves.

    As it is, I feel like there's no reason for it to be set in an irradiated future with mutants and if you took these elements out you'd be left with a really straightforward cowboy scene that is pretty much standard in every western movie.

    I like him ordering a fresh water, not the shit the wasters get. That was a really nice touch.

    EDIT: just read further into the thread and saw it's part of a larger story, which makes my crits somewhat irrelevant. As a reader, though, I would suggest you have something unpredictable happen in the scene because this feels like it's the most standart cowboy scene there is.

  9. #89
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    North Carolina
    Quote Originally Posted by Joseph Dredd View Post
    Biologically, we all start out life as women. It's when the embryo gets a dose of... testosterone?... that they mutate an X chromosome into a Y chromosome. I assumed that's what you're referring to and it worked fine for me.
    A lot of it too is the perception of what women believe becomes artificially altered. I don't know if you watched Westworld, but it's the concept of how the robots couldn't see a door even though it's right there. Well in this, every woman has a mental block that forces them to see men as some kind of not human mutant that needs to be exterminated. If I were to continue this story, I'd follow one of the women as she tries to navigate this world and understand what's really happening while overcome with more and more doubts. A lot more than I could cram into 5 pages but not for lack of trying!!

  10. #90
    Quote Originally Posted by FreshNightmare View Post

    BARBRA: You're gonna have to kill sooner or later, Ro

    Panel 2
    Close-up. Behind Roman looking down on him, he is sitting on the log, brooding, posture slouched.
    Dozens of dead (diseased) trout have washed up on shore by his feet.

    ROMAN: I'll find a way. There's plenty of protein to be had in lentils and-
    Is there a reason he won't eat meat? I'm a vegan, but I'm definitely aware that it's a leisure I'm afforded. If society goes down, I'm eating anything I can get my hands on.

    If it's because he's an idiot, then I'm not that sympathetic to him. If it's because society has gone down and he's desperately clinging to his old identity, then I'm really interested in seeing more of his struggle to psychologically come to terms with this new world.

    Panel 4
    Worm's eye view, not extreme. Dutch tilt. Barbra has a hungry look in her eyes, like she's imagining fresh venison.
    It's literally impossible to convey this unless you use a cartoon thought bubble of the guy trussed up as a roast pig with an apple in his mouth.

    Wide. Man and Daughter panel left, Roman and Barbra panel left.
    I assume someone pointed this out already.

    ROMAN: Wait, we can work together. We have clean water...
    BARBRA: Shut up, Ro!

    Panel 6
    Medium- Man and Daughter.
    MAN: My daughter is hungry! I'm not ****in' around!
    Daughter is scared, and cowers when her Dad swears, clutching his pant leg.
    MAN: Toss your bag over, nice and easy
    PAGE 3 (5 panels)

    Panel 1
    Barbra reaches for her backpack of supplies. Roman, panel right, palms up in a submissive gesture.
    ROMAN: C'mon, mister. We're not animals.

    Panel 2
    Close-up of Man, stern desperate expression, aiming his rifle at Barbra.
    MAN: The hell we aren't.

    Panel 3
    Medium- Barbra throws her bag at the Man, it hits him, he is surprised and off balance. His gun goes off in the chaos.
    Daughter, behind Man, cowers in fear. This whole panel is unstable.
    SFX: BANG!

    Panel 4
    small insert, close-up- Barbra, surprised expression

    Panel 5
    Medium- Daughter crying over her Dad, who is lying on the rocky shore. (He slipped and hit his head on a rock in the
    commotion.) Some blood pools behind his head on the rock.

    DAUGHTER: Daddy!
    MAN: uhnnn (groans)

    ROMAN(off panel): NO!
    PAGE 4 (4 panels)

    Panel 1
    Med-close- Roman is clutching Barbra in his arms. Her stomach is bloody, her eyes rolled back, body limp.
    Roman's expression is desperate, shocked, grief.
    BARBRA: Ro...

    Panel 2
    Wide, quiet panel. Still. Daughter kneels over Man panel left. Roman clutches Barbra panel right.
    (Maybe a thin widescreen silhouette?)

    Panel 3
    Dead fish lap the shoreline with gentle waves. I wana see fish eyes.

    Panel 4
    Backpack of provisions has opened, spilling the goods.
    Close-up- Dented can of peaches on the rocky shore.
    PAGE 5 (4 panels)
    New scene. We are in a clearing nearby the lake shore. Surrounded by trees. Long shadows, early evening.

    Panel 1
    Two mounds of dirt side by side, rough crosses made from broken branches.

    Panel 2
    Medium- Facing Daughter and Roman, they sit on the ground, staring at the graves.
    Their expressions- still in shock, red-eyed from tears.

    Panel 3
    Medium- Same as panel 2. (I want slow pacing here.) Still staring forward

    ROMAN: My name's Roman
    DAUGHTER: I'm Reilly

    Panel 4
    Wide version of panels 2+3. Change angle so we see them from 3/4 side view. Deer in foreground.
    The rest of the story is really well-written: clear and easy to follow. I'm assuming it's set in the present? Is there anything to suggest it's a dystopia? I guess I don't understand the plight of the characters.

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