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Thread: Pages for Pummel

  1. #1

    Pages for Pummel

    First set of pages I have been doing in years. This is off a script from our PJ writing section.
    I took some liberties with the page / Panel count ( I split page 1 in two pages and made one panel of page 4 a spread ). I will post the script to the pages.
    Thanks to Shaun for sharing this script!

    Please share critique, this will be my entry for the pummel come back end of january, so help me to make it as strong as possible
    Edit: spotted the first one, the reflection in the visor is the wrong way around

    Character sheet


    GASP

    PG 1.
    7 Panels

    Pn 1
    We have a high, wide establisher of the factory district of a near-future metropolis. The tops of the buildings are obscured by a dense pollution. This pollution should look suffocating. One of the factories center frame is surrounded by a throng of protestors (their signs give them away).

    Pn 2
    A teenage BOY is among the protestors. It’s chaos on the ground level. Signs proclaim, “BAN THE POLLUTERS”, “TOPPLE THE 1%”, and “DEATH TO DROIDS”. The boy, like all the others, wears a half-face respirator mask to filter out the toxic air.

    Pn 3
    The Boy looks off panel to the sounds of fevered voices.

    VOICE 1 (OFF PANEL)
    It’s one of those factory droids!

    VOICE 2 (OFF PANEL)
    Don’t let him get away!

    Pn 4
    We are over the shoulder of the boy; three protestors have cornered a humanoid factory droid in an alley beside the factory fence. This droid was not build for lifelike aesthetics but should look human enough that the dread on his face touches a nerve. There is so much smog in the alley that everyone is visible mostly torso up, making the scene slightly dreamlike.

    BOY
    lWhat’ya doin?

    PROTESTOR 1 (to the Boy)
    What’s it look like?

    PROTESTOR 2 (to droid)
    You’re the reason we can’t get no jobs!

    Pn 5
    Protestor 3 is in the act of swinging a protest sign at the droid’s head but the Boy has grabbed his arm – stopping him.

    BOY
    This won’t accomplish nuthin’. They’ll just replace it!

    Pn 6
    The other two protestors grab the boy and pull him away.

    PROTESTOR 2
    I bet he works for the company!

    Pn 7
    Protestor 3 bashes the droid’s lower jaw with the picket sign. The jaw partially detaches from the skull.

    SFX FROM IMPACT
    WHACK!

    Page 1


    Page 2


    PG 2.
    5 Panels

    Pn 1
    The boy is punched hard in the stomach.

    BOY
    Oof!

    Pn 2
    The droid is stabbed in the chest with a protest sign, issuing a crackle of sparks.

    DROID
    Please don’t--

    Pn 3
    The boy is slashed across the face with a knife – severing the strap of his toxin filtering mask.

    Pn 4
    The protestors stand close to each other and look down at the boy in fear at what they’re just done.

    PROTESTOR 1
    Shit, you broke his mask!

    PROTESTOR 2
    Not on purpose. ‘Sides he’s one a them!

    PROTESTOR 3
    Screw this, I’m outta here!

    Pn 5
    The boy lies on the ground gasping for air. The pollution is slowly suffocating him. In the distance behind the boy the three protestors run from the scene.

    BOY
    *KOFF-KOFF*


    Page 3




    PG 3.
    6 Panels

    Pn 1
    The severely damaged droid looks down on the Boy.

    DROID [mechanical font]
    Your respirator has been terminally damaged.

    Pn 2
    The droid runs around through the protestors toward the Factory gates. The protestors stand back in awe. The droid is a living firecracker, sparks fly from his neck and he spews black smoke.

    Pn 3
    Riot police, also wearing toxin masks, guard the gates and train their weapons on the droid.

    COP 1
    That droids malfunctioning…

    Pn 4
    Close on the cop, the oncoming robot is reflected in his helmet’s visor.

    COP 1
    Issuing primary command - seize motor functions!

    Pn 5
    Close on the robot, it’s jaw hanging by a ribbon of fake flesh. The boy sputtering against the droid’s chest.

    DROID [mechanical font]
    Protect human life supersedes all—

    Pn 6
    Close on the cop’s face, same as panel 5 only now the robot’s reflection looms larger.

    COP
    Nothing gets past us!
    (linked)
    LIGHT HIM UP!!



    Page 3


    PG 4
    5 Panels

    Pn 1
    The droid has spun around to absorb the police’s bullets and protect the boy. Several errant shots wound and kill protestors nearby.

    SFX FROM POLICE GUNS
    BLAM – BLAM – BLAM


    Pn 2
    The protestors surge forward in a blind rage.

    PROTESTOR
    They’re shooting! Get ‘em!


    Pn 3
    The droid has collapsed to the ground still cradling the boy. The protestors push past the droid and the boy, overwhelming the riot police and damaging the gates of the Factory.


    Pn 4
    The boy struggles to his feet gasping for air and clutching his chest. Around him protestors tear the riot police limb from limb.

    BOY
    *koff koff*


    Pn 5
    The boy slips through a gap in the Factory fence.



    Page5


    Page 6


    Page 7

    7 Panels

    Pn 1
    A man in a tuxedo stands at a podium gestures to another tuxedoed man who is walking toward the podium.

    HOST
    His new droid roll out cut costs and upped production by fifteen percent!
    (linked)
    Let's hear it for our CEO!


    Pn 2
    We are over the boy’s shoulder as he staggers onto the Factory floor, which has been dressed to entertain the hundred or so high society guests. They've all stood to applaud, unaware of the gasping boy. The damage of the toxins have already done their damage to his brain.


    Pn 3
    The CEO stands at the podium bathed in the warmth of a spotlight.

    CEO
    Thank you. Ya know a lot of people were surprised by my choice of venue-


    Pn 4
    Medium shot of the boy, blood dripping from his nose and mouth, his color gone and his skin gaunt. He raises a hand in desperate plea but no words come. Dinner guests nearby recoil in horror.

    CEO (OFF PANEL)
    This is where we make our living. We should not be ashamed.
    (linked)
    I remember my father’s words--


    Pn 5
    On the CEO at the podium, his face looks conflicted by what he’s witnessing. He’s stunned but wants to soldier on.

    CEO



    PN 7
    Back on the CEO, his hand covering his eyes from the spotlight. He is trying to see around the light at something beyond the boy.

    CEO
    Is that-- are those protestors?!
    (linked)
    EVERYONE RUN!


    THE END.

    "Censorship is legal vandalization of art" - Urban Dictionary
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    petethacreepofficial

  2. #2
    Wow! Great work. Blown away to see these panels come to life. I think breaking up page 1 was definitely the right way to go. Much better hook without an over stuffed page one. I can't wait to see the final product.

  3. #3
    The Gozerian MLaw's Avatar
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    I wish I had a little more time at the moment to crit those. Fantastic volume though! At first blush, the pacing looks good, the story beats look like they're hitting. Some of the panels really stick out even in this rough state! Keep at it!

    BTW: I just started re-watching Armitage III last night.. you haven't seen it lately by chance have you
    EDIT: Just saw that this was Shauns' script, very cool!
    Did another quick pass.. check your heads. Mostly they look good but in a few spots they drift.
    Page 2 has some major anatomical structure issues, mostly the shoulders stick out but that might be a loose thread to pull to watch a few things come out..
    Page 5 and Page 6 watch the consistency on the van and the areas around it.
    I think from a layout standpoint, having the massacre on p5 means in print 4 and 5 are facing each other. I try to plan so stuff like that happens after a page flip.. or turn it into a huge 2 page spread... but that's me..
    Is that an inset panel on the bottom of page 1? Kinda hard to tell but that area seems jumbled a bit.
    Page 2 has a good rhythm.. panels might need to breathe a little though, not sure what the situation will be, you seem to go back and forth on gutters a little throughout.. but the storytelling is on point. Panel 3 the angle might be off.. what are their feet planted on?
    Page 3 is pretty intense.. and the panels being crazy adds to it.. but I don't know what your actual layout will look like b/c that's a bit messy... The storytelling has a lot of impact but it's also a little confusing. Are they beating a robot and then an old man? The short person ties it together well for continuity but there's a bit of soup with the rest..
    Page 4 (ya labeled it 3) The panels being more structured adds to the "quiet" feel to this, which is good.. it builds up some tension and allows a moment of breath after that wild P3.. Check Panel 3 for proportions..
    P5 and 6... map this area out overhead on a scratch pad.. In some panels it feels like a huge wide area, in others like a close city street.. Maintain spatial relationships.. it was noticeable enough to pull me out of a great story. Page 5 feels extremely flat. You have depth but you're robbing that visual by putting the huge flat side of a massive rectangle of a truck out there to suck the life from the page. Change that angle... get something that's going to keep us moving around the page and establish depth.. foreground, midground, background, all of that. Bring those people getting blasted even closer to make that midground really feel like no man's land.. I would re-thumb the page on something small.. maybe an index card or a tiny canvas size in whatever you're using.. and just keep going on those.. that's THE splash page.. it needs to be your crescendo!
    Page 6 panel 2, I can't find the corresponding part of the script.. but it feels like too much of panel 1.. put the focus on the robot and person and have the people clipping through WAY bigger.. push that trapped, claustrophobic feeling... unless that's really really not the point of the panel.. but I think it's a possible beat that could add some extra feels if you hit it right..
    Page 7 is kinda weird.. it's got angles all over the place.. but I don't dislike them.. it's possibly the most "cinematic" feeling page.. Panel 2 and 4 are super loose and the proportions and just the line of action and shapes.. everything else is really strong and it just doesn't read on the same level as your other figures.

    Phew.. I found time!
    That's a lot of crits I feel like.. so.. hope it's not too much.. this is all early and most of it's subjective I think.. I tried to keep the focus on pacing and layout and early proportion problems and that sort of thing.. If you post a round with tighter line work I'll be happy to look again
    Last edited by MLaw; 01-04-2017 at 03:30 AM.
    I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. ~Pablo Picasso

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  4. #4
    You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to MLaw again.

    Thanks so much for this in depth crit man!
    "Censorship is legal vandalization of art" - Urban Dictionary
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  5. #5
    The Gozerian MLaw's Avatar
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    Hey no problem.. That was before bed.. I glanced again.. I made comments about the panels and pages 1 and 2 kinda getting lost.. and while I still believe that.. I think it's really important that you preserve that sense of chaos as much as you can...without it damaging the storytelling. It's one of those things like when you have a great sketch with lots of energy and over polish it.. I think those pages are in that boat.. I'm just happy you shared this.. I'm excited to see the submission!
    I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. ~Pablo Picasso

    my deviantart
    my sketchbook

  6. #6
    Pg 1, upper left: Is that a TV or a billboard? Either way it's ridiculously huge. It's almost as tall as the tower.

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Smitty View Post
    Pg 1, upper left: Is that a TV or a billboard? Either way it's ridiculously huge. It's almost as tall as the tower.
    Hey smitty, it is not an actual object, but an insert panel. Everything will made sense when finishd up
    Part of the "artistic liberties"...

    Thanks for looking!
    "Censorship is legal vandalization of art" - Urban Dictionary
    |LHW Bottomfeeder|
    PJ Sketchblog
    petethacreepofficial

  8. #8
    whoops, doublepost! Here's quick updates to page 1 and 6

    Last edited by Pete Tha Creep; 01-04-2017 at 06:25 PM.
    "Censorship is legal vandalization of art" - Urban Dictionary
    |LHW Bottomfeeder|
    PJ Sketchblog
    petethacreepofficial

  9. #9
    These are looking good.

    I actually just finished page 1 of my version of this script. Posting in another thread right now.
    Last edited by RonB; 01-04-2017 at 06:37 PM.

  10. #10
    Bryan E.Warner's Avatar
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    Coming along Nicely....Ron is looking good too..
    Keep that Pencil Busy!

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