View Poll Results: Which is your favourite story?

1. You may not vote on this poll
  • Shaun - Gasp

    1 100.00%
  • Chris2.0 - Unusual Suspects

    0 0%
  • MisterPants - THE VIGILANTE

    0 0%
  • Joseph Dredd - MASKS

    0 0%
Page 4 of 4 FirstFirst 1234
Results 31 to 39 of 39

Thread: Writing Contest #103: "Masks"

  1. #31
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    South Africa
    And poll is up - hope I've done it correctly...

    So vote away, poll will remain open for 7 days.

    No voting for yourself, no buddy-voting, yada, yada, etc, etc...

    And if you want - feel free to leave a comment or final crit...

    And that's all she wrote... Thanks to everyone that entered!

    Now lemme try to put up the poll...
    Last edited by Chris2.0; Yesterday at 03:36 PM. Reason: Poll's up!

  2. #32
    Quote Originally Posted by Shaun View Post
    Shaking off some rust with this one. It's been a while since I've written short form. It's lacking something and I may need to go back and tweak it but I wanted to put it up before things get busy with the holidays. Thanks for reading.


    PG 1.
    7 Panels

    Pn 1
    We have a high, wide establisher of the factory district of a near-future metropolis. The tops of the buildings are obscured by a dense pollution. This pollution should look suffocating. One of the factories center frame is surrounded by a throng of protestors (their signs give them away). A hologram banner is projected above the factory, "ANNUAL SHAREHOLDERS GALA"

    Pn 2
    It’s chaos on the ground level. Signs proclaim, “BAN THE POLLUTERS”, “TOPPLE THE 1%”, and “DEATH TO DROIDS”. A teenage BOY is among the protestors and, like all the others, wears a half-face respirator mask to filter out the toxic air.

    Pn 3
    The Boy looks off panel to the sounds of fevered voices.

    What's one of those factory droids doin' out here?!

    Must've malfunctioned. Don’t let him get away!

    Pn 4
    We are over the shoulder of the boy; three protestors have cornered a humanoid factory droid in an alley beside the factory fence. This droid was not build for lifelike aesthetics but should look human enough that the dread on his face touches a nerve. There is so much smog in the alley that everyone is visible mostly torso up, making the scene slightly dreamlike.

    What’ya doin?

    PROTESTOR 1 (to the Boy)
    What’s it look like?

    PROTESTOR 2 (to droid)
    You’re the reason we can’t get no jobs!

    Pn 5
    Protestor 3 is in the act of swinging a protest sign at the droid’s head but the Boy has grabbed his arm – stopping him.

    This won’t accomplish nuthin’. They’ll just replace it!

    Pn 6
    The other two protestors grab the boy and pull him away.

    I bet he works for the company!

    Pn 7
    Protestor 3 bashes the droid’s lower jaw with the picket sign. The jaw partially detaches from the skull.


    PG 2.
    5 Panels

    Pn 1
    The boy is punched hard in the stomach.


    Pn 2
    The droid is stabbed in the chest with a protest sign, issuing a crackle of sparks.

    Please don’t--

    Pn 3
    The boy is slashed across the face with a knife – severing the strap of his toxin filtering mask.

    Pn 4
    The protestors stand close to each other and look down at the boy in fear at what they’re just done.

    Shit, you broke his mask!

    Not on purpose. ‘Sides he’s one a them!

    Screw this, I’m outta here!

    Pn 5
    The boy lies on the ground gasping for air. The pollution is slowly suffocating him. In the distance behind the boy the three protestors run from the scene.


    PG 3.
    6 Panels

    Pn 1
    The severely damaged droid looks down on the Boy.

    DROID [mechanical font]
    Your respirator has been terminally damaged.

    Pn 2
    The droid runs through the protestors toward the Factory gates cradling the boy in his arms. The protestors stand back in awe. The droid is a living firecracker, sparks fly from his neck and he spews black smoke.

    DROID [mechanical font]
    Step aside -- must reach medical unit.

    Pn 3
    Riot police, also wearing toxin masks, guard the gates and train their weapons on the droid.

    COP 1
    That droid must be malfunctioning…

    Pn 4
    Close on the cop, the oncoming robot is reflected in his helmet’s visor.

    COP 1
    Issuing primary command - seize motor functions!

    Pn 5
    Close on the robot, it’s jaw hanging by a ribbon of fake flesh. The boy sputtering against the droid’s chest.

    DROID [mechanical font]
    Protect human life supersedes all—

    Pn 6
    Close on the cop’s face, same as panel 5 only now the robot’s reflection looms larger.

    Nothing gets past us!

    PG 4
    5 Panels

    Pn 1
    The droid has spun around to absorb the police’s bullets. He's trying to protect the boy. Several errant shots wound and kill protestors nearby.


    Pn 2
    The protestors surge forward in a blind rage.

    They’re shooting! Get ‘em!

    Pn 3
    We are positioned behind the droid. He has collapsed to his knees while still cradling the boy. The protestors are passing the droid and the boy - at full charge for the waiting police.

    Pn 4
    The boy struggles to his feet gasping for air and clutching his chest. Around him protestors tear the riot police limb from limb.

    *koff koff*

    Pn 5
    Several protestors have pinned a cop against the fence - creating a gap in the fence nearby. Meanwhile the boy is slipping through this gap.

    PG 5
    7 Panels

    Pn 1
    A man in a tuxedo stands at a podium gestures to another tuxedoed man who is walking toward the podium.

    His new droid roll out cut costs and upped production by fifteen percent!
    Let's hear it for our CEO!

    Pn 2
    We are over the boy’s shoulder as he staggers onto the Factory floor, which has been dressed to entertain the hundred or so high society guests. They've all stood to applaud, unaware of the gasping boy. The boy's stance indicates he's in bad shape.

    Pn 3
    The CEO stands at the podium bathed in the warmth of a spotlight.

    Thank you. Ya know a lot of people were surprised by my choice of venue-

    Pn 4
    Medium shot of the boy, blood dripping from his nose and mouth, his color gone and his skin gaunt. He raises a hand in desperate plea but no words come. Dinner guests nearby recoil in horror.

    BOY (weak)

    This is where we make our living. We should not be ashamed.
    I remember my father’s words--

    Pn 5
    On the CEO at the podium, his face looks conflicted by what he’s witnessing. He’s stunned but wants to soldier on.

    He said… um…

    Pn 6
    On the boy’s face, dead on the ground, his eyes staring up lifelessly.

    Through our success we get to live forever.

    PN 7
    Back on the CEO, his hand covering his eyes from the spotlight. He is trying to see around the light at something beyond the boy.

    Is that-- are those protestors?!

    THE END.
    Finally getting around to sharing my thoughts on people's stories. This is pretty slick, imo. Lots of different action to make things visually interesting, lots of showing instead of telling.

    I only have two real criticisms.

    First crit - This dialogue seems awkward and unrealistic to me:

    His new droid roll out cut costs and upped production by fifteen percent!
    Let's hear it for our CEO!

    It seems odd to me because it doesn't sound like a real introduction. We need to hear the company name and his name, imo. And you the summary of his success seems wonky, too.

    I would suggest: "In one year alone, his successful negotiation with labour personnel -- "

    Some booing in audience.

    "-- has revolutionized our profit margins and his visionary approach to cutting inefficiencies has resulted in an unprecedented stock increase of fifteen percent!"

    Wild clapping from audience.

    "Let's hear it for the brilliant CEO of ShawnWriting Industries, Elias Haverbrook the Third!"

    I guess it comes down to a real CEO introduction would have more raving about his success. Picture Donald Trump raving about his tremendous profits and tremendous successess, etc. And they would definitely have his name and the company's name in there. The company's name would be plastered all over the event. And giving him a fancy name would further paint him as separated from the common man outside.

    My second crit is the ending seems to fall short of your build-up. I don't know what I was expecting, but protesters storming the place seems like a meh kind of ending to the story you crafted this far. I guess I'm not sure what the main idea of your story is. Is it about them making the mistake of holding their gala at the factories where they oppress their workers? Are the workers actually oppressed or were they just replaced by the droids?

    My suggestion is have him squinting into the lights. He sees the boy's body, but because of the lights blinding him he thinks he's looking at a droid. "Is that -- oh dear, our new serving model. Don't let the press see that, people will be up in arms about warranties."

    I dunno. Feel free to disregard what I'm saying.

  3. #33
    Quote Originally Posted by Chris2.0 View Post
    And here's mine - giving it the placeholder title of "Unusual Suspects" for now... Was supposed to have more people in it, but had to cut the speedster and magnetichick out because of space.

    Also was kinda rusty - I made 62 comments on the PDF review copy of the script with all the changes/deletions/adding of references, etc...

    So here it is, please let me know what you'll think? I'm sure I've missed a few things. And would like to cut the panel count down a bit more - right now it's 6/7 panels a page. Maybe combine the long fight scene on Pages 3-4? And cut down on dialogue as well.

    Unusual Suspects

    A wealthy socialite has been kidnapped by a super-powered gang , and they’re discussing her ransom. But one seems to have his doubts – and he turns against them! So now it is a cat & mouse game against his former team with the socialite as the prize… But of course when he gets her to safety there’s a catch…

    IFO – can only fly. But makes up for this singular power in other ways… Wears a costume, but instead of a cape, has an open jacket to flap in the wind. He’s also the only one with a mask. Or better - a mask with goggles/helmet with visor. Korean.

    FlameWar (FW) – hotheaded & has flame powers. Black skintight costume with cutouts to show the flames when she’s a-fire. African-American.

    Stronga – but not smarta… Wears a Hercules-type harness, pants and boots. Latino. The angrier he gets, the bigger, stronger and heavier he gets.

    Socialite – Blonde hair, Green eyes. the daughter of a billionaire. Wears a little black/party dress, high heels, jewelry.

    Socialite’s dad – Blonde hair – Trump if he was respectable & had a decent haircut. Wears a suit, red tie.

    Paged up:
    1. The socialite is tied up, and IFO brings the ransom. Then he hears the others want to do it again? Establishing shot showing the three. IFO has his doubts. He was the one that got her here – the bait. FlameWar goes off at him, and he escapes with the socialite. The rest are ordered to get him.
    2. Stronga is taken out first, his increased size and weight because of his anger proving to much for the floor IFO was “standing” on, but actually just floating on.
    3. Then it’s just FlameWar and IFO left. He lures her into an empty process plant tank… And she flames on.
    4. He slams the openings shut and this causes a pressure differential, near-vacuum and low O2 levels. She flames out. But Stronga is back… He breaks her open, she’s comatose…
    5. Stronga attacks IFO! Passing out, he’s saved by the police as they taze / tranq Stronga… Blackout. Comes to & gets his reward from the socialite…

    Panel descriptions & dialogue:
    Page 1:
    1. Close-up on a young woman wearing a party dress, bound to a chair – she’s blindfolded and gagged. The whole story takes place inside an abandoned factory, which also used to house a chemical plant. So dirty/dusty floor all around her. And she’s also not the cleanest anymore, to show it’s been some time she’s been kidnapped.

    1) Caption:
    Paree Stask, the socialite daughter of the multi-billionaire Anthony Stask.
    2) Caption:
    And our ticket out of Poorsville.

    2. The socialite is still tied up, as IFO touches down, his jacket flapping in the wind, he’s got a big duffel bag (containing cash) over his shoulder/neck.

    3) SFX:
    4) Speech balloon (right side of panel) - IFO:
    Got it!

    3. Group shot of the three members of the gang – IFO, FlameWar & Stronga. IFO is handing the bag of cash to FlameWar. IFO’s mask is also pulled up/semi-taken off, while FlameWar and Stronga are of course mask-less.

    5) Speech balloon - IFO:
    FlameWar, we’ve got the ransom, so now we let her go?
    6) Speech balloon - FlameWar:
    Don’t go soft on us now, bait boy.
    7) Speech balloon - Stronga:
    Yeah, we were talking – we’ve got this much, they'll easily pay more!

    4. Closer in on IFO and FW - IFO has his doubts – his hands are up in a defensive posture. FlameWar goes off at him, pointing at him, her outstretched fingers/hand aflame…

    8) Speech balloon - IFO:
    Stronga, that wasn’t the deal!
    9) Speech balloon - FlameWar:
    You do what I say, when I say, IFO.

    5. Stronga has dumped the cash on a table, FW near to him. IFO and the socialite are on the right side of the panel, he’s bending over her, untying her and we should see some of her bonds are loose already!

    10) Speech balloon - Stronga:
    Three Million in cash…
    11) Speech balloon - FlameWar:
    Let’s split it up...
    12) Linked speech balloon - FlameWar:
    Are you still in, IFO?
    13) Speech balloon - IFO:
    Sorry guys, I have to do this…
    14) Linked speech balloon (burst) - IFO:
    Hang on!

    6. Stronga and FW are still standing by the table as IFO flies off with the socialite! Stronga and FW are beneath/behind them in the panel.

    15) Speech balloon - FlameWar:
    After him!

    Page 2:
    1. FW is throwing the money back into the bag, while barking orders at Stronga, who should be flexing his bicep to show off his pre-powered-up form.

    1) Speech balloon - FlameWar:
    Get them! Don’t let the girl get hurt!

    2) Linked speech balloon - FlameWar:
    I’ll hide the cash somewhere safe...

    3) Linked speech balloon - FlameWar:
    Be careful!

    4) Speech balloon - Stronga:
    He has only one power, what’s the worst that can happen? And I get stronger, bigger and faster, the angr--

    2. FlameWar interrupts Stronga as she flames on... Stronga has bulked up a little as well, indicating he’s a little bit angry at FW.

    5) Speech balloon - FlameWar:
    Shut up! Just go and get them!

    6) Speech balloon - Stronga:
    OK, OK…

    3. Change of scene – Stronga is now alone, and looking up at a huge steel structure, IFO (with his mask back on) is on the top of this incomplete factory, on the only intact concrete floor, the rest are lying in rubble beneath the structure.

    7) Speech balloon - IFO:
    Up here, Strongrrl…

    4. Stronga lands on the top of the structure after jumping up, shaking the structure! (So would need some motion lines of his jump up). IFO is floating inches off the floor… Stronga is a little bit bigger than we saw him in the previous panel.

    8) Speech balloon - Stronga:
    What did you just call me?!
    9) Speech balloon - IFO:
    Whatever I want - just have to use small words…

    5. Stronga is coming at IFO, who is still floating slightly above the floor. And the concrete floor is starting to crack under Stronga’s weight, who is slightly bigger again.

    10) Speech balloon - Stronga:
    11) SFX (under Stronga’s feet):

    6. High angle looking down as Stronga falls through the collapsing concrete floor! And because his powers are activated by anger, he should be bulking down, as his anger has now been replaced with surprise, and just a little bit of fear. If space allows, have IFO floating to one side, also looking down.

    12) Speech balloon - Stronga:
    13) Speech balloon (Burst, off-panel, right)- FlameWar:

    Page 3:
    1. Close in on FW as she’s flamed on, screaming at IFO. Her black costume silhouetted against the bright flames. IFO (if visible) could just be another silhouette (against the brightness of her flames) in the right bottom corner of the panel.

    1) Speech balloon - FlameWar:
    It’s just you and me!
    2) Linked speech balloon - FlameWar:
    Where is the girl?

    2. IFO, dodging her flame attack (a stream of fire directed at him), is “hiding” near the entrance of a huge metal vessel/tank (Ref here - https://jeffreyfamisan.files.wordpre...9/11.png?w=950 and ), with the side and top entrances open. Adjust scale as you see fit.

    3) Speech balloon - IFO:
    Yo, Fawkes!
    4) SFX (near flame attack):

    3. She flies full blast after him, directing streams of flames at him as he flies into the metal tank!

    5) Speech balloon - FlameWar:
    Stop running, dammit!
    6) SFX (near flame attack):
    Fwashhh! Fwashhh!

    4. Small inset panel as he flies out from the top entrance of the tank!

    No lettering

    5. View from the top of the tank, into the inside, as IFO is looking down at a fiery FW, who is looking up. He should be floating near the top hatch of the tank, which is standing up at an angle & he’ll be closing it next panel, so keep the look/angle consistent please.

    7) Speech balloon - FlameWar:
    Where’d you go?!
    8) Speech balloon - IFO:
    Up here, Dork Phoenix…

    6. Side view of the tank as FW sends fire coming out of the top! The top hatch is closing after IFO kicked it, so need some motion lines of this falling into place. And IFO is already flying down, going to close the bottom access door – so some more motion lines on him please going towards this.

    9) Speech balloon - IFO:
    10) SFX (near top hatch):

    7. And then a view from outside the tank, through the bottom hatch to inside the tank, showing FW (on fire) inside, as IFO closes this as well!

    11) Speech balloon - FlameWar:

    Page 4:
    1. View from inside the tank, showing FW as the hatch is shut and she flames out! It’s dark now in the tank, especially with her flame going out.

    1) SFX (over tank):
    2) Speech balloon - FlameWar:
    My flame's going out!

    2. Outside view – the tank still looks OK. IFO is hovering near the entrance.

    3) Speech balloon - IFO:
    Wait for it…
    4) Linked speech balloon - IFO:
    Near vacuum in in 3,2,1…

    3. Similar panel as the previous one - the tank’s metal walls are now pulled in – because of the pressure imbalance, near-vacuum and low O2 levels on the inside pulling the sides in. Ref:

    5) SFX (over tank):
    6) Linked speech balloon - IFO:
    Science 2, ex-super-friends 0…

    4. Close in on IFO as he’s by the hatch, struggling to pull it open before FlameWar suffocates, but he can’t – because of the vacuum & imploded sides.

    7) Speech balloon - IFO:
    8) Linked speech balloon - IFO:
    Can’t get the door open because of the pressure differential!

    5. Big panel as Stronga is back and he smashes the tank/door open! And he’s huge – so must be pretty angry!

    9) Speech balloon (burst) - Stronga:
    10) Linked speech balloon - Stronga:
    Where is she?
    11) SFX (over damage to tank):

    6. Stronga’s got FlameWar cradled in one of his huge arms (make it right, leaving his left arm free to punch IFO on the next page). And FlameWar’s out cold & her fire completely out…

    12) Speech balloon (burst) - Stronga:
    What did you do to her?!
    13) Speech balloon (off-panel, right)- IFO:
    She's OK, just doused her fire with some CO--

    Page 5:
    1. Stronga attacks IFO, by hitting him with his huge left arm so hard that IFO is flung backwards to the right of the panel. So hard that his mask is pretty much ripped off, exposing his face – as we need to recognize him in the next panels. If space allows, you can put a wall on the far right of the panel & he’s impacting the wall pretty hard… And leave some space for a speech bubble on the far right as well as the Police also arrive – but no need to draw any of them (yet).

    1) Speech balloon (burst) - Stronga:
    You’re dead!

    2) Speech balloon (burst) - IFO:

    3) Speech balloon (burst, off-panel, right)- Police:
    NYPD! You’re surrounded! Come out with your hands above your heads!

    2. From IFO’s POV as he passes out – so need some eyelid closing “border” around the action in this panel. Stronga’s body is covered with red laser markers as the Police arrive! And also some tranq darts and coils from tazers as they tranq & taze Stronga… FlameWar is not in this panel, as Stronga has put her down in-between panels, so as to really get to work on IFO with both hands…

    4) Speech balloon (burst) - Stronga:

    3. Small blackout inset panel.

    No lettering

    4. Close-up on IFO as he comes to with a shock. He’s in a hospital, so lots of light. He’s wearing a white hospital gown/clothing, with an IV in his arm (if visible). No mask of course, this is why we needed to show his face earlier.

    5) Speech balloon (burst) - IFO:

    5. He’s in a hospital bed, with the socialite and her dad, the multi-billionaire, standing next to the bed on either side. Her father on the left, wearing a suit, with his hand out to shake IFO’s hand. IFO still bewildered in bed in the middle, and the socialite on the right, hands clasped together in front of her chest, in a somewhat innocent expression. She’s wearing clean clothes – a dress again to tie into the last time we saw her - and her hair is in a ponytail.

    6) Speech balloon - Dad:
    Thank you, young man…

    7) Speech balloon - IFO:

    8) Speech balloon - Socialite:
    C’mon silly, Daddy’s made sure you’re not in any kind of trouble. Not like the rest of that gang you were forced into. They’re in super-villain jail as speak.

    6. Panel of IFO, still in bed, and the Socialite leaning in for a kiss, as she excuses her father – who’s not in this panel. She’s still putting on/having an innocent expression/body language…

    9) Speech balloon - Socialite:
    But I’m sure Daddy dearest is much too busy to stay long.

    10) Linked speech balloon - Socialite:
    And in any case, I have to properly reward my knight in shining armour…

    7. Close-up on both as the masks have now been (figuratively) dropped. The Socialite’s expression has changed & she’s now sporting a wicked smile, and she’s loosened her hair. IFO’s also sporting a huge grin. They are in a forehead-to-forehead pose, as they need to be talking… Socialite has her hand through IFO’s hair, and IFO has some of the Socialite’s hair in his fist. And in his other hand, on the bed, he’s holding his torn & battle damaged mask.

    11) Speech balloon (whisper) - IFO:
    So we did it?

    12) Linked speech balloon (whisper) - IFO:
    And the three millio--

    13) Speech balloon - Socialite:
    Shh, rest – all taken care of – I hid it right where we discussed.

    14) Linked speech balloon - Socialite:
    “Daddy-dear” will think twice about cutting me off again.

    15) Linked speech balloon - Socialite:
    But won’t your team have it in for you?

    16) Caption (above the mask):
    That’s the benefit of wearing a mask – just put on another one…


    PS - forgot the work needed after copy & pasting the script to make it legible. Apologies if it's still not that readable... Please let me know?
    This is an action-packed story, that's for sure.

    My only real thoughts are:

    1. The dialogue seems too simple. I'm not seeing anyone reflect their feelings about being betrayed by one of their own or any reluctance to hurt him. He probably has been thinking about this for awhile, but they would be seriously shook if they've been a team for any length of time, imo.

    2. Stronga depowering when he's surprised -- I think some of the info you contain in panel descriptions should be contained in the captions. We should see that IFO deliberately dropped the ground out from under him in order to short-circuit his emotion-based powers. Mainly because this is a cool idea and if it's in the panel description the audience doesn't really get to savour it.

    3. why is there a tank that can snuff out Flamewar? Seems super conventient to me.

    Love the names, though. Flamewar, Stronga. Awesome.

  4. #34
    Hey Dredd,

    thanks for the feedback! Good call on the CEO intro dialogue. I got lazy there.

    As for the ending I see where you're coming from but it might be tough to convey that CEO has mistaken the boy for a droid. I started with a theme before writing any plot and the theme was "no good deed goes unpunished", so I knew I wanted to see the boy suffer for getting involved but, inadvertently, lead to some (hopefully) positive change.

  5. #35
    Quote Originally Posted by MisterPants View Post
    Hi, this is a really cool idea (the contest, not my script) so I thought I'd give it a try. This isn't a part of anything, it's just something I brainstormed up. It's a little out of my comfort zone but a really good exercise. Please excuse the first-draftiness of the script. It might need more meat and some of the dialog is more like placeholder. Also, only 1 mask in my story. I hope that's ok.

    PAGE 1 (4 panels)
    Panel 1 - THE VIGILANTE, a well-built man in a black and grey stealth suit and mask with a "V" insignia covering his entire head, IMPALED on the katana of TAKESHI, a japanese yakuza, mid 30s, emotionless grin.
    Sfx: SHHLK!

    Panel 2 - Pulled back to show an empty warehouse. Four criminal characters gathered around the lifeless body of the Vigilante. A pool of blood has formed under the body. From left to right, we see:
    Takeshi, blood dripping off his sword.
    VIC, a stocky man, 20s, leather jacket, slicked back hair.
    KIRA, a dangerous woman, 20s, long dark black hair, opened trench coat, scar over her face.
    BROCKSTON, a slim man, grey hair, business suit.
    VIC: We got 'im. We finally got 'im.

    Panel 3 - Brockston pointing a gun down at the Vigilante. The muzzle flashes after being fired.
    Sfx: BLAM!

    Panel 4 - The four criminals looking at the body of the Vigilante from a different angle.

    PAGE 2 (4 panels)
    Panel 1 - Vic kneeling down next to the body.
    VIC: All these years this guy spent hunting us down. Getting us locked up. Bringing our four gangs to our knees over and over again.
    BROCKSTON (off panel): We'll carve up the city based on the original agreement. Nothing can stop us now.

    Panel 2 - Close in on the Vigilante's mask. Vic's fingers tugging up on the fabric.
    BROCKSTON (off panel): What are you doing?

    Panel 3 - Over Brockston's shoulder looking down at Vic. He has the mask pulled to reveal the Vigilante's cheek.
    VIC: Ain't you even a little curious who's been under this mask?

    Panel 4 - Brockston pushes Vic away from the body.
    Vic: Hey!

    PAGE 3 (6 panels)
    Panel 1 - Close in on Brockston, visibly annoyed.
    BROCKSTON: What difference does it make? He was the only thing keeping us from taking over. Savor the victory.

    Panel 2 - Vic on his feet and getting right in Brockston's face.

    VIC: If you ever put your goddamn hands on me again, I'll shove that cheap tie down your throat.

    Panel 3 - Vic angry, pointing down at the Vigilante.
    VIC: This guy could'a had a family. Someone he cared about. We gotta send a message. We gotta make sure no one else tries to take up his mantle.

    Panel 4 - BROCKSTON turns his back to Vic with disgust.
    BROCKSTON: Use your head, Vic. A man like that... He was everywhere. Never resting. Like a cobra in the shadows waiting to strike.

    Panel 5 - Focus on the lifeless body of the Vigilante.
    BROCKSTON: A man like that has no family. He was forged in death.

    Panel 6 - Close in on Vic's face.

    VIC: If that's true, then why'd he wear the mask?

    PAGE 4 (7 panels)
    Panel 1 - Kira, looking over her shoulder back at Brockston and Vic.
    KIRA: Maybe he was one of us.

    Panel 2 - BROCKSTON standing next to Vic.
    VIC: What the hell are you talking about?

    Panel 3 - Kira kneels down next to the body. She dabs a finger in the blood.
    KIRA: No matter what we did, he was there. In our own heads. Getting comfortabe. Waiting for his moment... his one beautiful moment that we never see coming.

    Panel 4 - Kira looking up and licking the blood from her finger.
    KIRA: No one gets that close, unless you trust them.

    Panel 5 - Brockston in a thinking pose.
    BROCKSTON: Indeed.

    Panel 6 - Vic visibly irritated, almost shouting at Kira in defiance.
    VIC: Forget it. My crew's loyal. Every one of them!

    Panel 7 - Close in on Grimsdale sneering with a cocky grin.
    BROCKSTON: Don't be so sure of that.

    PAGE 5 (5 panels)
    Panel 1 - Close in on a hand holding a lit match (soon to be revealed as Takeshi's hand).
    TAKESHI: Hai. One of us.

    Panel 2 - Takeshi holding the flame close, with his eyes fixed on it.
    TAKESHI: The brother who betrayed me to the Zero Sun...

    Panel 3 - Vic, Kira and Brockston stand around the body like mourners at a funeral.
    TAKESHI (off panel, over Vic): ...the father who stole a young boy's innocence...
    TAKESHI (off panel, over Kira): ...the jealous lover who carved her rage into my face...
    TAKESHI (off panel, over Brockston): ...the system that let a wife and child die under paperwork...

    Panel 4 - We see the arc of the match as it is thrown.
    TAKESHI (off panel): "Who is under the mask?"

    Panel 5 - The body is engulfed in flame. Vic, Kira and Brockston all watch as it burns. Takeshi is walking away, dragging the tip of the sword on the floor.
    TAKESHI: Nobody.
    TAKESHI: Not anymore.
    I don't know why, but I was able to picture this very clearly in my head. Great descriptions. They were short and to the point.

    My only comment is there's a disconnect between reality and the way they act. I'm not suspending my disbelief that they would not look under his mask, especially after the idea was raised that he could have been a traitor. Brockston would have to have a VERY good reason to prevent them from looking at his face.

    My idea would be to switch roles around so that Vic is the one who won't let them look under the mask.

    "Step away from him. We're looking under that mask."

    "Absolutely not. He caused us nothing but hardship, but we chose a hard life. He was a man of honor. He fought with honor and it was my honor to finally best him."

    "He's going to send a message to everyone who even thinks of messing with us. His family, kids, dog, whatever. They're all going to die."

    "Whoever this man was, his family does not deserve to suffer for the trouble he caused us. If he was one of your own, then it is your own fault for being captain of a leaking vessel."

    "Move aside or I'm going to move you aside."

    "You are foolish if you think you can beat the man who killed (vigilante's name)."

    I dunno, just some ideas.

  6. #36
    Quote Originally Posted by Shaun View Post
    Hey Dredd,

    thanks for the feedback! Good call on the CEO intro dialogue. I got lazy there.

    As for the ending I see where you're coming from but it might be tough to convey that CEO has mistaken the boy for a droid. I started with a theme before writing any plot and the theme was "no good deed goes unpunished", so I knew I wanted to see the boy suffer for getting involved but, inadvertently, lead to some (hopefully) positive change.
    Ah, I gotcha. I think a second draft would turn the ending into something killer, but I don't really know what to suggest. I really do think that the rest of your story fantastic, but the ending is kind of step down.

  7. #37
    Quote Originally Posted by Shaun View Post
    For Joseph Dredd, “Masks”

    I like this concept and it’s well written but I’m not sure how entertaining it would be to draw/read. I suppose it’s a personal thing but I don’t think it’s taking full advantage of the visual aspect of comics. If it was a low budget short movie you may be constrained to talking heads but in comics your only limitation is the artist's skill and your imagination. You could’ve made things more engaging by using competing flashbacks of the suspect’s and Walsh’s versions. Or maybe Walsh slips into bored fantasies while listening to their lies? You would have to streamline some things, but it’s a bit wordy and wouldn’t suffer from being slimmed down in places.

    I also wasn't clear if the suspects were being interrogated for the same crime? The crime itself seemed a little vague. It may have been stronger if the crime was clear and we knew Walsh was pinning it on the usual suspect to save himself some trouble.

    I do like the idea and it's a clever play on the concept of masks. So kudos for thinking outside the box.
    Thanks for the feedback! I agree with you. I was thinking about the need for some visual action, but was struggling to fit everything into five pages.

    Also lol I messed up the captions. In the first caption he notes the time and the case number, which I did to show each perp was a different case, but then I forgot to include case numbers for the next two perps.

  8. #38
    Quote Originally Posted by Chris2.0 View Post
    And some thoughts on J Dredd's Masks story...

    Overall impressions - 27 talking head panels, and I'm not bored? This takes some writing! Good use of dialogue and captions to show the difference between the detective's speech and thoughts. And all the suspects were pretty diverse, as well as the dialogue/voice/tone of each character - kudos on that. Great use of memory theory as well. Getting Morgan Freeman vibes from Walsh, but maybe I'm just reading too much into it. At least he's still happily married, unlike Det. William Somerset...

    General comments:
    Page 4 (Or the first Page 5..!)
    Only issue I have with this page is most probably the 18 lines of dialogue/captions. But... I can't really find anything to cut, as each line conveys info and/or moves the story forward...

    Final words - A great example of less is more - 2 locations, 1 main character and a few supporting characters. And the ending ties up to the beginning of the story, a la Moore-style. OK, ties up to just after the beginning, but still a very good story. Wouldn't mind seeing this in an anthology one day! But as Shaun said - you would need to pair this script with a pretty damn good artist to knock the story out of the park.

    Post-final words - given that Walsh knows memory theory, maybe another story to do with him would be much later in his life, as he starts forgetting things, before getting memory loss/dementia? And all he remembers are all the lies, but not much else? As these made a bigger impact on him?
    Thanks for the kind words! I was working security in the oilfield for awhile and the supervisors were ex-cops, one of whom specialized in polygraphs. I learned a lot from him about the science behind lying. It was really fascinating, so this script idea has been kicking around in my head for awhile now. It was nice to finally put it to paper.

    And, man, you've got some dark ideas. I love the idea of this guy only remembering lies and untruths in his final years, but, wow, what a grim idea. I love it!

  9. #39
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    North Carolina
    Quote Originally Posted by Joseph Dredd View Post
    I don't know why, but I was able to picture this very clearly in my head. Great descriptions. They were short and to the point.

    My only comment is there's a disconnect between reality and the way they act. I'm not suspending my disbelief that they would not look under his mask, especially after the idea was raised that he could have been a traitor. Brockston would have to have a VERY good reason to prevent them from looking at his face.

    My idea would be to switch roles around so that Vic is the one who won't let them look under the mask.

    "Step away from him. We're looking under that mask."

    "Absolutely not. He caused us nothing but hardship, but we chose a hard life. He was a man of honor. He fought with honor and it was my honor to finally best him."

    "He's going to send a message to everyone who even thinks of messing with us. His family, kids, dog, whatever. They're all going to die."

    "Whoever this man was, his family does not deserve to suffer for the trouble he caused us. If he was one of your own, then it is your own fault for being captain of a leaking vessel."

    "Move aside or I'm going to move you aside."

    "You are foolish if you think you can beat the man who killed (vigilante's name)."

    I dunno, just some ideas.
    Thank you for the feedback. Again I find it extremely helpful. The dialog is definitely something that needed to be punched up. I really like the exchange you suggest. Vic was meant to be a thug-type and Brockston was meant to be the Mob boss, but all 4 of them were meant to be the leaders of their respective gangs. I did struggle a bit with motivations. One idea I had was to have as part of Brockston's back story that he had a falling out with his son years ago and always suspected he was the vigilante. Brock then wouldn't want to take off the mask because he didn't want that to be confirmed. This would probably be improved if a little backstory were revealed about the characters. Then maybe their actions would make sense. In some ways, it's easier to write 50 pages than it is to write 5.


Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts